The Importance of Understanding in Marriage: Communication Alone Is Not Enough

When it comes to marriage, communication is often hailed as the key to success. We are told repeatedly that “good communication” is one of the foundational pillars of a strong relationship. While communication is undeniably important, there’s an equally crucial element that is often overlooked: understanding. Without understanding, communication becomes nothing more than two people talking at each other, without truly connecting. (Surprising plot twist, this actually will work in any relationship)

In a marriage, the goal isn’t merely to exchange words—it’s to engage in meaningful dialogue that fosters connection, empathy, and intimacy. Too often, couples get caught up in the logistics of conversation, such as “getting the point across” or “winning the argument,” and forget the underlying purpose of communication: to understand and be understood. Understanding is the bridge that allows communication to transcend the surface level and reach deeper emotional and spiritual connections.

In this blog post, we’ll explore why understanding is just as important as communication in marriage, how the lack of understanding can damage a relationship, and practical ways to cultivate both communication and understanding to create a deeper, more meaningful connection in your marriage.

1. Communication Without Understanding: Talking at Each Other

Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a conversation with your spouse, only to realize that neither of you is truly hearing the other? You’re talking, they’re talking, but neither of you is really connecting. Instead, you’re both just sharing words without any effort to truly understand one another. You're both trying to be right. To win. This dynamic is common in marriage and can lead to frustration, miscommunication, and emotional distance.

When communication lacks understanding, it often becomes a cycle of talking at each other, not with each other. Both spouses may speak their minds, but neither is actively listening or making an effort to understand the other's perspective. This leads to an environment where arguments escalate, issues remain unresolved, and both individuals feel unheard and unseen.

In these moments, it's easy to become frustrated and defensive. After all, if you feel that your spouse isn't truly listening to you or understanding your needs, you're likely to start focusing on getting your point across, rather than considering their viewpoint. This can result in a breakdown of communication, where words become weapons and emotional walls go up.

This “talking at each other” dynamic can be particularly damaging in a marriage. Without seeking to understand your spouse’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences, it’s easy to misinterpret their intentions or jump to conclusions. Instead of fostering a sense of unity, this lack of understanding creates division and mistrust. It’s as if both spouses are living in their own worlds, unable to bridge the gap between them.

2. True Communication Involves Understanding

Understanding is the critical missing element in many communication breakdowns. To truly communicate in a marriage, you must not only express your thoughts and feelings but also seek to understand your spouse’s. This requires active listening, empathy, and a willingness to see things from the other person’s perspective, even if it’s difficult or uncomfortable.

Proverbs 18:13 reminds us, “To answer before listening—that is folly and shame.” This verse underscores the importance of listening first before responding. This simple truth is the foundation of understanding. To truly understand your spouse, you must take the time to listen attentively, free from judgment or preconceived notions. You must listen not only with your ears but also with your heart, seeking to grasp the emotions and experiences behind the words.

Understanding goes beyond simply hearing the words your spouse says—it’s about tuning into the underlying feelings, needs, and desires that shape those words. For example, when your husband or wife expresses frustration, it’s important to ask yourself, “What’s really behind this frustration? What need is unmet? What fear or pain might be driving this emotion?” Rather than jumping to conclusions or offering solutions too quickly, you should seek to empathize and show that you truly care about the root cause of the issue.

In marriage, this kind of understanding is an act of love. When you take the time to understand your spouse’s heart, you are demonstrating that you value them and their perspective. You are saying, “I see you. I hear you. I care about what you’re going through.” This kind of validation is essential in any marriage, as it helps both spouses feel seen, respected, and cherished.

3. The Impact of Misunderstanding

When communication lacks understanding, the consequences can be far-reaching. Misunderstandings, no matter how small they may seem, can accumulate over time and erode the foundation of trust in a marriage. Constant miscommunication leads to frustration, resentment, and a sense of emotional distance. When one spouse feels like their words are consistently misunderstood or ignored, they may begin to withdraw, ultimately causing a breakdown in intimacy.

For example, a wife may express that she feels overwhelmed by her responsibilities at home. If her husband simply responds with, “Well, I’m doing my part too,” without understanding the emotional weight behind her words, he may unintentionally dismiss her feelings. She may interpret this as a lack of empathy or an unwillingness to support her, even if that was not his intent. Without understanding, a simple statement can be misconstrued, leading to unnecessary conflict.

Over time, these small misunderstandings can snowball. When couples don’t take the time to understand each other’s feelings and needs, they often find themselves arguing about the same issues over and over, without any resolution. This repetitive cycle of miscommunication can breed bitterness and disconnection, making it harder for couples to rebuild trust and intimacy.

4. How to Foster Communication AND Understanding

So, how can couples ensure they’re not just talking at each other, but truly communicating and understanding one another? Here are a few practical ways to foster both communication and understanding in your marriage:

1. Practice Active Listening

Active listening is the cornerstone of understanding. When your spouse is speaking, give them your full attention. Put away distractions, such as phones or TV, and focus solely on what they’re saying. Nod, maintain eye contact, and show that you’re engaged. Avoid interrupting or finishing their sentences for them. Instead, allow them to express themselves fully before you respond.

Active listening also involves reflecting back what you’ve heard. For example, you might say, “I hear you saying that you’re feeling overwhelmed. Is that right?” This helps ensure that you’re on the same page and gives your spouse an opportunity to clarify if needed.

2. Ask Open-Ended Questions

Rather than assuming you know what your spouse is feeling or thinking, ask open-ended questions that invite them to share more. Questions like, “What’s really bothering you about this situation?” or “Can you help me understand how you’re feeling?” encourage deeper conversation and allow your spouse to express their emotions in a safe, non-judgmental space.

3. Empathize with Their Feelings

Even if you don’t agree with your spouse’s perspective, it’s essential to validate their feelings. Instead of brushing off their emotions or trying to “fix” the problem right away, acknowledge their experience. You might say, “I can understand why you’d feel that way,” or “That must be really tough for you.” This simple act of empathy can create a sense of emotional intimacy and strengthen your connection.

4. Pause Before Responding

It’s easy to react impulsively in the heat of the moment, but doing so often results in communication breakdowns. Instead, practice pausing before responding. Take a deep breath, reflect on what your spouse has said, and consider how best to express your own thoughts with understanding and compassion. This helps to avoid misunderstandings and keeps the conversation respectful.

5. Share Your Feelings Honestly

Communication without understanding is a two-way street. It’s not enough to listen attentively—you must also be willing to share your own feelings honestly and openly. However, it’s important to do this in a way that invites understanding rather than creating conflict. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements, such as, “I feel frustrated when I’m not heard,” rather than “You never listen to me.”

6. Pray Together

Marriage is a spiritual partnership, and seeking God’s guidance in your communication is essential. Pray together for wisdom, understanding, and patience. Ask God to soften your hearts toward each other and help you both communicate effectively, with empathy and grace. Prayer can bring peace to the process and help you approach conversations with a spirit of humility and love.

5. The Reward of True Understanding

When communication in marriage is paired with understanding, the results are transformative. Spouses feel valued, heard, and supported, which strengthens the emotional bond between them. Misunderstandings decrease, and trust builds. Couples become better equipped to handle challenges together, knowing that they are not alone in their struggles.

True understanding fosters intimacy—not just in a physical sense, but emotionally and spiritually. It creates a safe space where both spouses can express their vulnerabilities, knowing they will be met with empathy and care. This kind of connection is a foundation for a lasting, fulfilling marriage.

Communication and Understanding 

In marriage, communication without understanding is like a one-way street—words are exchanged, but they don’t lead to connection or growth. To truly thrive as a couple, you must prioritize both communication and understanding. This requires active listening, empathy, and a commitment to seeing things from your spouse’s perspective. When you make the effort to understand each other, you build a marriage that is strong, resilient, and deeply connected. By seeking to understand, you not only improve communication but also deepen your love and intimacy, creating a bond that honors both your spouse and God.