Stop Trying to Control Your Husband

Wanting to Control Your Husband? It Might Be Rooted in Fear—Here’s How to Break Free

Let’s be real for a minute. We all know that relationships can stir up some pretty intense emotions—love, joy, frustration, even fear. And when fear enters the picture, it can sometimes make us act in ways that we don’t like, like trying to control the people we love most, especially our husbands.

If you find yourself constantly managing your husband’s finances, speaking over him in conversations, or stepping in to “save the day” in ways that aren’t really necessary, it’s worth asking yourself: What’s going on here? Why do I feel the need to take the reins? Chances are, what feels like control is actually a reaction to fear. And while that fear might feel justified in the moment, it’s not always the best driver of healthy, loving relationships.

So, let’s dig into some common examples of how fear can show up as control in a marriage—and how we can start breaking free from it.

Control Over Money: Fear of Poverty

One of the most common areas where control comes up in marriage is around finances. Maybe you’re the one who keeps a tight grip on the family budget, making sure every dollar is accounted for, tracking every expense, or micromanaging how money is spent. You feel like if you don’t keep tabs on every purchase, it will lead to disaster. And when your husband wants to buy something that feels unnecessary, you can’t help but speak up, right?

But here’s the thing: This desire to control is often rooted in fear—fear of not having enough. Maybe you’ve seen times when money was tight or you grew up with a sense of financial insecurity, and now, as an adult, you feel like you have to overcompensate. You fear poverty, or the possibility that things could go wrong if you're not vigilant.

In reality, constantly policing your husband’s spending can create tension and resentment. And, let’s be honest, it also steals away the opportunity for him to be the provider you trust him to be. You can still be mindful with money without controlling every move. You just have to remember that trusting your husband to manage finances with you is a step toward deeper intimacy—even if it feels uncomfortable at first. I speak more about stewarding finances in this blog. 

Speaking Over Him: Fear of Embarrassment

Another area where control might rear its head is in social situations, especially when you feel the urge to speak for or over your husband. Have you ever caught yourself interrupting or “rescuing” him during conversations? Maybe he’s in a meeting, or chatting with friends, and you step in because you’re afraid he’ll say something wrong or get embarrassed. You’re thinking: If I don’t step in, this could get awkward, or worse, he (we) could look foolish.

This desire to control the conversation often comes from a deep-rooted fear of embarrassment or judgment. Maybe you’re worried that your husband will say something that makes you both look bad, or you’re anxious about how people might perceive him. But here’s the problem: when you constantly speak over him, you’re not just protecting him from embarrassment—you’re taking away his autonomy. It can feel dismissive, and it chips away at the respect that needs to be present in any healthy partnership.

Instead of jumping in to control the situation, try taking a step back and giving him the chance to handle it. After all, he’s an adult, and part of being in a loving marriage is trusting each other to navigate social dynamics without always having to step in. Plus, when you let him speak for himself, you build his confidence and show respect for him as an equal partner in the relationship.

The Fear Underlying Control: How to Break Free

Okay, so we’ve covered some examples of control that are driven by fear. But now let’s talk about how you can stop yourself from slipping into these habits and start creating more harmony in your marriage. Laura Doyle, author and relationship expert, has a powerful framework for dealing with these situations. She suggests that, before you take action or try to control something, you ask yourself these four questions:

1. What am I afraid of in this situation?
- When you feel the urge to take control—whether it’s managing money or stepping in during a conversation—pause for a moment and ask yourself: What’s the fear driving this? Are you afraid of not having enough? Are you worried about what people will think of your husband? Understanding the root of the fear helps you see it for what it is: a reaction, not a reason to act.

2. Is my fear realistic?
- Now, get real with yourself. Is your fear based on facts, or is it an exaggerated worst-case scenario? Often, when we fear something happening, we’re imagining a situation that’s much worse than the reality. Take a moment to evaluate: Am I reacting to something that’s unlikely to happen, or am I blowing this out of proportion? Most of the time, our fears don’t actually come true in the way we expect.

3. Can I actually control the situation?
- Let’s face it: we can’t control everything, no matter how hard we try. When it comes to your husband, there are plenty of things you just can’t manage. Can you really control his spending habits, or his behavior in social settings? The answer is usually no. And that’s a good thing! Trying to control someone else’s actions often leads to frustration and distance. Instead, focus on what you can control—your responses and your mindset.

4. Is it worth the intimacy it will cost me to try to control the situation?
- Last but certainly not least: Is it worth it? Is this moment of control worth the potential damage it could do to your relationship? Micromanaging, speaking over your husband, or trying to “fix” everything can feel like it brings short-term relief, but in the long run, it can harm the intimacy in your marriage. Real closeness comes from trust, vulnerability, and respect—not control.

The Freedom That Comes from Letting Go

When you start asking yourself these questions and challenge your need to control, you’ll notice something powerful happening: You’ll begin to release fear, and with it, the tight grip you’ve been holding on your husband. The freedom that comes from letting go of control is freeing for both of you. Your husband feels more trusted, respected, and capable—and so do you.

Instead of seeing him as someone who needs to be “managed,” you’ll start to see him as your equal partner, someone you can rely on and support, without trying to micromanage every detail. When you choose trust over fear, you open the door to a more intimate, loving relationship.

So, next time you feel the urge to take control—whether it’s finances, conversations, or any other part of your marriage—pause and ask yourself those four key questions. Your relationship will thank you, and so will your husband.