A Girlfriend is Not a Wife

A girlfriend is not a wife. I might trigger some with this, but a fiancee is not a wife, either. Although societally we make a big show of engagements and proposals (and they should be celebrated) we forget that an engagement can be ended without legal intervention. You can simply breakup, exchange rings, and go your separate ways. While an engagement is a sure sign of intention and commitment that often results in marriage, it is still not the marriage, and I encourage women to act accordingly (this goes for men too, but I am talking to women here). 

Why is this important?

Marriage is an unbreakable bond that we should not be hasty to exit, unless there is gross immorality or harm. 

When we get married and face hardship, our goal should be to take the time to isolate the issue and find a solution, not to leave the marriage. This is not to say that the person you married is perfect or lacks flaws, or even that they do not do things that are off-putting and frustrating. This is to say that you are in covenant and vowed before God to be with that person. A married person should not be looking to identify errors and issues with their spouse as a justification to divorce. 

A single person (girlfriend or fiancee included) has the liberty, without restriction, to end a relationship. Although there is a lot of pressure surrounding an engagement and most people do not pull out even when they want to due to the embarrassment, the option to end it does not require divorce or external intervention at any level beyond friends and family. 

You may have married "the wrong person" but that doesn't mean you should divorce.

Marrying the wrong person is often what people think they experience and while it can be real, it is likely not a dealbreaker. If you married a person you are not compatible with, obedience to God and prayer can go a long way. This comes with the understanding that God does not call us to be equally yoked as a means of compatibility, but of sound mind and agreement. I am not negating that people will have more complicated issues if they are incompatible, but I am saying that incompatibility is not a healthy and sound reason for divorce. I would encourage a married couple to work through that with patience, grace and understanding rather than divorcing due to irreconcilable differences. 

A woman who is dating or engaged could reasonably decide, "this is a great guy, but he is not the guy for me." People may not understand it, and it may not even be a good decision, but she can choose to do that with no real repercussions. She could walk away from the situation. As traditional as this may sound, and although everyone may not agree, the same liberty is not available for wives (or husbands). It is available, but it is not a responsible decision (keeping in mind this is not a discussion of adultery or abuse, which is entirely different).

We should give grace in marriage, but be strict (not unforgiving) in dating and engagements

If your boyfriend has a habit of not following through on his word, you can bet he will become a husband who is the same way. A woman has to make a decision regarding whether or not that is something she is willing to deal with. Many women would quietly decide that they will change him after the wedding, but the best decision when identifying a trait that will be undesirable and unacceptable for you long term is to leave the situation. Since there has not been a commitment, there is no weighty decision to be made. 

As a wife, however, "discovering" an undesirable trait of your husband is more often than not, shining a light on something that was already there. Had it been highlighted in courtship, you may not have married that man. This is not to say it is fair, because it may or may not be, but marriage is not based on fairness and our worldly desires. You should be sure before getting married and once you are, if you become unsure you should be seeking God's help on how to overcome that. That doesn't mean you will pray for God to change your husband, but it might mean praying for you to undergo a change of heart. 

I make this distinction not to paint marriage as a miserable prison, but to remind us all to be intentional about who we choose and to not take lightly the responsibility we have to exercise discernment in courtship so that we do not fight and disagree over trivial things in marriage. This isn't about if the person makes you happy. No relationship should be entertained just for the sake of happiness because it is a fleeting feeling. While it is my hope that people are not in insufferable marriages, I do understand that some people are not equally yoked or compatible in their marriage. That doesn't mean it cannot work, although in the case of being unequally yoked, there may be circumstances where God will direct you to leave. If He does not, my goal is to help you to stay married. That is what Wifey School is about. Learning to embrace the fact that you can create lasting and impactful change, overcome frustration and constant tension, all without changing your husband. 

For the girlfriends and wives, you still have a choice. You still have a responsibility. Be actively engaged and attentive with the man you are dating or engaged to. Is he truly the man that God would have you to marry? Are you able to discern the truth?