3 Books Every Married Woman Should Read: The Key to a Thriving, Accountable Marriage

Marriage is a sacred institution, one that requires effort, intentionality, and growth. As women, we have a unique role in shaping the dynamic of our relationships, and it’s vital that we take responsibility for the health of our marriages. The books we read, the advice we seek, and the resources we use can all contribute to a flourishing relationship or, conversely, hinder its growth. In today’s fast-paced world, it can be easy to look for quick fixes and surface-level solutions to our marital struggles, but true growth comes from personal responsibility and accountability.

There are many marriage books available, but there are three that stand out for their emphasis on the role of the wife in marriage and the importance of taking ownership of our actions and attitudes. These books don’t place blame on our husbands but rather challenge us to examine how we can become better wives, how we can support and nurture our marriages, and how we can grow into the women God has called us to be in our relationships.

Let’s dive into these three transformative books for married women: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle, and The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. Each of these books is rooted in the idea that personal responsibility and accountability are essential for creating a thriving marriage.

1. The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands is a no-nonsense approach to marriage that emphasizes the importance of taking personal responsibility for your marriage’s success. Schlessinger’s writing is bold, unapologetic, and, for some, eye-opening. For me, it was heavily convicting. The book doesn’t shy away from addressing the behavior and attitudes of wives that can lead to frustration, dissatisfaction, and disconnection in the marriage. It’s a call to action, asking women to own their role in the health of their marriage, particularly when it comes to nurturing and caring for their husbands.

The central theme of this book is that many marriages suffer because wives stop caring for their husbands in the way they once did. Schlessinger argues that men need emotional and physical care and attention just as much as women do. When a wife neglects these needs, it’s easy for distance to grow between spouses. Schlessinger challenges women to take responsibility for their marriages by actively tending to their husband’s needs with love, respect, and kindness.

One key element in Schlessinger’s approach is the idea of treating your husband with respect and valuing him. She encourages women to shift away from a mindset of criticism or resentment and to focus on what they can do to build their husbands up. This is not about serving them to the point of neglecting your own needs, but about recognizing the importance of reciprocity and mutual respect in marriage.

Personal responsibility is crucial here. Schlessinger asks women to stop blaming their husbands for their dissatisfaction and to start examining their own behaviors, communication styles, and attitudes. Only by taking ownership of how we treat our husbands can we begin to see positive changes in our marriages.

2. The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle

The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle is a powerful book that speaks to the concept of letting go of control in a marriage and allowing your husband to lead. It’s a book that challenges modern notions of feminism (although written by a woman who is a feminist) and independence by encouraging wives to embrace vulnerability and trust in their husbands. While the idea of "surrender" may initially seem countercultural or even uncomfortable, the core message is about personal responsibility, accountability, and mutual respect.

Doyle’s approach is grounded in the belief that a thriving marriage comes from balance and a willingness to trust your spouse’s judgment, leadership, and love. She stresses that a wife’s role is not to control or manipulate her husband but to create an environment where both spouses feel valued and heard. The key to this is "surrendering" the need to be in control and allowing space for your husband to step up and take initiative.

While the idea of surrender might sound passive, Doyle clarifies that it’s actually an active decision—a choice to take personal responsibility for how you show up in your marriage. By surrendering, you’re letting go of the frustration and resentment that often comes from trying to fix everything or control outcomes. You’re choosing to respect your husband’s autonomy, trusting that his leadership will strengthen your relationship.

In the context of personal responsibility, this means that we as wives must recognize the value of our own actions and choices. We cannot blame our husbands for our unhappiness or dissatisfaction. Instead, Doyle encourages women to focus on what they can do to nurture their husbands and bring out the best in them. This requires vulnerability and a willingness to hold ourselves accountable for our own emotions, reactions, and expectations.

The Surrendered Wife does not teach passivity or submission in the negative sense, but rather a balanced approach to marriage that encourages mutual respect, trust, and love. It’s a book that challenges us to take responsibility for our role in creating a harmonious relationship.

3. The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman

John Gottman is a renowned expert in relationship research, and his book The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work is grounded in science and research. While the book is not specifically written for women, it is a must-read for anyone seeking a deeper understanding of what makes marriages successful and long-lasting. Gottman’s principles are rooted in the idea that personal responsibility and accountability are essential for making marriage work.

Gottman’s research has identified seven key principles that can help couples build a stronger, healthier relationship. These principles are based on his extensive studies of couples, and they offer valuable insights into how we can change behaviors and attitudes to strengthen our marriages. The book covers topics such as communication, conflict resolution, trust, and emotional connection—key components of a thriving marriage.

One of the most powerful principles in Gottman’s book is the idea of creating shared meaning. This principle focuses on building a life together that is meaningful to both spouses. This requires personal responsibility from both partners to invest in their emotional connection and to actively work toward a shared vision for their relationship. Gottman emphasizes that couples must prioritize the needs of the marriage and create positive experiences together. This takes effort, accountability, and ongoing self-reflection.

Gottman’s research also highlights the importance of managing conflict constructively. He emphasizes that arguments and disagreements are a natural part of marriage, but how we handle them matters. Instead of blaming or attacking each other, Gottman advocates for "softening" our approach to conflict and taking responsibility for our own part in the disagreement. By practicing active listening, empathy, and compromise, we can resolve conflicts in a way that strengthens, rather than weakens, the marriage.

For married women, The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work offers concrete tools and insights for cultivating a healthy relationship. The book emphasizes that we are not powerless in our marriages; instead, we have the ability to influence and improve our relationships by taking personal responsibility for our actions, words, and attitudes.

Personal Responsibility and Accountability: The Heart of a Healthy Marriage

The common thread in all three of these books is personal responsibility. Whether it’s taking ownership of our behaviors and attitudes, surrendering control and trusting our husbands, or applying research-backed principles to improve communication, all three books emphasize that we are responsible for the health of our marriages.

Taking responsibility means recognizing that a thriving marriage is a partnership, and it requires effort from both spouses. It means acknowledging that we cannot control our husbands or blame them for our dissatisfaction. We must look inward, examine our own behaviors, and take accountability for the choices we make.

When both spouses are committed to being responsible and accountable for their actions, a marriage can become a source of deep connection, growth, and love. These books challenge us to embrace our role in the marriage and offer practical tools to help us become better wives, better partners, and better people.

Consider reading these books

If you want to nourish and strengthen your marriage, consider reading The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, The Surrendered Wife, and The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. Each of these books offers valuable insights into how we, as wives, can take personal responsibility and become the women God designed us to be in our marriages. By applying the principles of appreciation, vulnerability, mutual respect, and personal accountability, we can create a marriage that not only survives but thrives.